Hello Mr. Tallismo,
I have so, so much to tell you that it wouldn’t even fit in a hundred messages so I thought I would write you this letter instead so that you can hear every detail of our latest adventures while we are attempting to track down the phoenix that you suggested we try to track down to speak to regarding averting certain disaster for the whole continent via swarms of deadly deathless elemental thingies.
Did you hear how Nester got totally kidnapped? Orcnapped? Halforcnapped? Halforc-but-fully-napped? He did, and then the rest of us bravely stole a boat and rescued him! But it’s okay, because we left a deposit that really could’ve bought a few boats, so it should be economically feasible for Mr. Boatrenter to expand his business, as long as the rest of his boats don’t also get eaten by fearsome lakemonsters.
And then we finally made it to the desert. Wow, the desert is really hot and dry and sandy! Like, people told me it was hot and dry and sandy, but it’s really hot and dry and sandy! Like, there’s just sand and stuff! Lots of it! Sooooo much sand! And hopefully a phoenix!
The first town we went to was pretty small and crappy. There was a weird monastery thing that the people inside of were very unfriendly and wouldn’t let me take even a little tour. So we didn’t hang around the town all that long but instead just found a guide and went to the real desert. Or the fake desert? The other desert. A portal connected it from the real desert. Or from the fake desert? The other desert. The desert we were in went through a portal to another desert, that wasn’t the same desert but a different one. Though it, too, was very dry and hot and sandy. I am beginning to surmise that this may very well be a characteristic of deserts.
Anyway we went through the portal and the guide was all like “You’re here!” and we went “Where?” and then the guide went “In the other desert” and we went “Another desert? But we were just in a desert” and then the guide got eaten by a dragon.
So we kinda wandered through Desert 2.0 and found a citybuildingthingie that was all black and stuff and didn’t even have the decency to have a doorbell. Or a door. But we didn’t let that stop us and bravely exsanguinated, which worked for some reason! Because the citybuilding is all about deadness and dead stuff and dying. But we managed to not die!
So now we’re going to ask them about if they’ve seen Mr. Phoenix and then maybe talk to him and I hear he likes riddles so I’m thinking really hard about riddles to ask him and I’ve thought up a bunch of them but the one I like best is about cupcakes. It goes:
Delicious for one and silky sweet
but fill you from the top to feet
and you will barf.
I need to work on the scansion for the second line, I think. Do riddles have to rhyme? Do they have to rhyme in Common? I wrote a few that we really funny in Gnome but I’m not sure if phoenixes speak Gnome. I will have to ask him.
I think it will take a while for this letter to get all the way from the other desert to the Scarlet Order house in Ketani, so we’ve probably already saved the world when you get this. If you read this and everything is not dead, then we did! But if you die before reading this, we didn’t. Sorry.